Catman

My mum got a kitten a couple of months ago.

A pretty black female, she called her Delilah.

Jamie and Charlotte were most impressed having "met" Delilah on FaceTime. Charlotte, in particular, was thrilled to have a new girlie chum in her life. 

That was until today when my mum called up with some news.

"She's got a penis." 

"What?!" I replied, a little shocked.

"Delilah.  She's got a penis.  Well, HE does."

"How did that happen?"

"I assume it was there all the time.  I just never thought to look.  But today she started washing it. Sorry, he started washing it."

You would never think that my mum spent a lifetime as a nurse.

Feel free to send through your suggestions for Delilah's new name and I'll pass them on.

I'm thinking Willy.

One more step

Jamie left primary school on Friday.  How the heck did that happen?!

This was him and Charlotte on Friday morning.

This was them on their first day at St Oswald's four years earlier when it became a primary.

And this was Jamie on his first day at Guiseley Infants.

It's been something of a traumatic week for the boy, as it was for all Year 6 leavers (and parents).

Everyone did a magnificent job in Tuesday evening's school production.

You can see Jamie below wearing the top hat in his role as "Headmaster 1." 

But the dreaded leavers' assembly certainly played with the emotions.  That's him on the left with two of his besties. 

Although he did get to play his guitar, which always raises the spirits

But the time to move on has come. 

Come September, it's next stop Guiseley School. 

Music man

Jamie turned 11 on Sunday.  It's almost beyond belief.

He wanted a new electric guitar and assorted accessories as presents and the family rallied round to deliver.

He even treated the Yorkshire wing to an impromptu performance after a BBQ which was predictably ended early by rain.  

The previous day, we joined other families and friends on a trip to Lets Rock Leeds, an 80s music festival in a day which featured Status Quo as the headline act. 

Jamie and the Quo have history after he saw them at CarFest North last year and rhythm guitar player Richie Malone gave him his pick.

Unbelievably, the exact same thing happened on Saturday and, as before, Jamie's souvenir is now safely mounted alongside a picture of the band in action.
   

We're off to the "big one" next Tuesday, more on that after the event. (Clue: the name of the band rhymes with beagles.  But doesn't have a "b" in it).

In the meantime, Jamie has submitted his job application to be a music teacher when Year 6 have their takeover day at St Oswald's Primary School next month.

This is what he wrote:

"As a musician myself, I love the idea of teaching a full class of children, any age, a music lesson.

"I have experience in looking after Key Stage 1 due to having a younger sibling and occasionally playing with younger ones on the field.  

"I have a good knowledge of music from the last few decades and am capable of creating an educational PowerPoint.

"I personally believe music should play a larger part in the national curriculum as music can relax the body when needed and can play a crucial part in a child's mental health.

"Though I have written this application formally, I can be fun and will do my best to have the children playing or listening to music with big smiles on their faces.

"I would also like to thank the hardworking school council for this brilliant opportunity."  

I'll let you know if he gets it.

Are there eggs in milkshakes?

As I've said before, I don't do politics on here and have no plans to start now.

However, seeing Nigel Farage being "milkshaked" yesterday took my mind back to various dicey campaign walkabouts I've witnessed in the past - and one in particular.

Whilst I have no time for Farage, he does have the right to walk down the street in safety.  His response to what happened yesterday was to blame his security team before stomping off.  Probably fair enough.

Back in 2007, William Hague - then Shadow Foreign Secretary - was in Bradford for the local elections.  On a walkabout (minus any security), a man crossed the street in front of me and extended his arm towards the star attraction.  As Hague reached out his hand to greet his "admirer," the man cracked an egg hidden in his other hand on the former Tory Leader's jacket and ran off.

Hague's immediate response was to laugh and announce: "That's why I wear a jacket!" before handing it to an aide.  Full credit to him for that.

Prior to his arrival, I spoke to the Yorkshire Post to ask if they would be covering his appearance in Bradford.  They said no but offered to use a picture in the following day's newspaper "if it's good enough."

I told Hague this at the start of his visit and asked if he would conspire with me to ensure the picture got in.

He said he was more than happy to help and posed for this shot. 

Whatever your politics, the current House of Commons is all the poorer without him. 

Derry good

I came to bed early tonight (I’m writing this on my phone) because Derry Girls didn’t win a BAFTA and I was grumpy. They missed out in the Scripted Comedy category to a show I’d never heard of, can’t remember its name and will probably never watch. (Still, well done). 

Yes, being from Northern Ireland, I’m biased. But Derry Girls does tickle me. More importantly, many people I’ve spoken to on this side of the water who’ve seen it love it every bit as much as me.

It’s been of a Derry weekend all round for me.  On Friday I saw The Undertones. (Not in the street, in an actual gig),

They were magnificent. Not a surprise, I’d seen them twice before, but they are now better than ever.

Folk I speak to always question how they can possibly perform without original frontman Feargal Sharkey, who left the band in 1983. The answer is his replacement Paul McLoone, who assumed the mantle a mere 20 years ago.

He’s magnificent. Energetic, wonderfully tuneful and as camp as a row of tents. What’s not to like?!

With his bandmates, they blasted out 25 tunes before returning for more. 

At the start of the encore, bass player Muckey Bradley said: “We just realised, we forgot one or two.”

He added  a little later: “Our bus doesn’t leave for 10 minutes. We have time for a few more!”

It was a fantastic night with The Undertones supported by the best warm-up act I’ve seen in The Neville Staple Band who rolled out the ska hits. 

But it was all about The Undertones. If you can see them, do see them. 

Unlike the cast and crew of Derry Girls this evening, you will not go home disappointed. 

Luna landing

If, like me, you're not glued to the news waiting for details of Harry and Meghan's new arrival, perhaps I can tell you about ours

Luna White.  She's a hamster.

We've not had a family pet before, at least not since joining this family.  But Charlotte has been demanding one for some time and we finally relented. 

A dog was out of the question because it needs to be walked and Charlotte doesn't do walking.

A goldfish doesn't do anything (apart from swim, obviously, and even I can do that).

Guinea pigs do even less.

I wanted cats but Vanessa remains unconvinced, at least until the autumn when I plan to make another pitch.

However, after paying a handful of visits to her friend's pet-filled house, Charlotte decided she wanted a hamster. And, after dragging our feet for a bit, there wasn't really a sound reason to deny her. 

Luna was purchased from Pets At Home after school today.  (Her cage was bought a few hours before after the one Vanessa scooped up on eBay arrived this morning in several smashed-up pieces).

So we'll see what happens next.  Probably not a lot, if truth be told.

Although Charlotte has treated Luna to a see-saw.

Maybe her friend's hamster can visit and sit on one end. 

#Winner

I've just won a competition (I know!)

We've attended CarFest North, the Chris Evans-fronted family festival, for the last few years and have tickets to return in July.

They've been running a competition for past attendees to share their stories and pictures in the quest for a goodie-bag.  And I've just been declared the week 2 winner!  Needless to say I'm dead excited (such moments are few and far between when you're 47).

My story was as follows:

"Last year my wife Vanessa and I took our 9-year-old son Jamie and 7-year-old daughter Charlotte to CarFest North for the fourth successive year.  We've always had a great time but something particularly special happened at the 2018 event. 

"Jamie had started learning the guitar and I told him all about Status Quo - the first band I ever saw live in concert back in 1986 – who were booked to play CarFest North. 

"When they came on stage, Jamie was loving their performance and was bouncing up and down in the front row, to the delight/amusement of seasoned Quo fans around us. Someone else who noticed Jamie was the band’s rhythm guitar player, Richie Malone, who came across to our side of the stage to acknowledge Jamie’s enthusiasm.

"At the end of one song, he pointed at Jamie and threw his plectrum towards my son. It landed just in front of us but someone else tried to claim it. The crowd in the immediate vicinity quickly made clear that it was meant for Jamie and the plectrum was happily handed over, allowing Jamie to wave it back at Richie to say thanks. He now has it mounted in his bedroom together with a picture of Richie taken during that performance. 

"Jamie’s guitar playing has really taken off since then and we’ve got tickets to see Status Quo play in Leeds later this year. It’s all thanks to CarFest North and, as a family, we can’t wait to return to Bolesworth Castle once again in July!"

Cringey, I know, but true nonetheless.

I'm now off for a celebratory snifter to the sounds of Status Quo.

Birthday boys

It was my birthday on Sunday so we went away for the night.  All did not go quite to plan.  Suffice to say, Aldwark Manor Hotel is one to be avoided.

But we still had fun and the beds were comfy.

Earlier in the day, we visited the Tockwith Motorsports Centre where, from the age of 12, you can drive around an old airfield for 90 minutes to get some practice.

Vanessa went in to pay.

"How old is the driver?" the kid in the hut asked.

"Errm.....47." 

The humiliation.

We travelled on to York on Monday where, after a visit to the Jorvik Viking Centre, Jamie began the search for a new guitar for his own birthday which is next on the family list.

The helpful shop music man even let him try one out. 

It's always good to hear a familiar tune.

Stars and Whites

The kids are now two days into the Easter countdown and February half-term already seems a long time ago.  But the memories remain.  

Some people we know used the break to visit exotic locations including Dubai and New York.  And we were equally flash.

Here are three members of the White family enjoying the blue skies of Doncaster.   

  

And this is two of them in Barnsley.

Living the dream, I tell thee.  We even squeezed in a shopping trip to Pontefract.

My personal fear is that we've now set the bar too high and the rest of the year will be an anticlimax.  Time will undoubtedly tell.   

After a couple of days to get over the excitement, Jamie and I went to Yeadon Town Hall to see "The Quo Experience" play live.  And it was a very positive experience. 

69-year-old Francis Rossi was played by someone 50 years his junior (fact). He was brilliant.

Meanwhile, a rather more seasoned guitar man breathed welcome life into Rick Parfitt (deceased). 

That was Friday.  Saturday was a very special occasion as Vanessa's fab mum, Judy, celebrated her XXth birthday.  (A real lady never reveals her age). 

That took us to Sunday when the menfolk crafted an international-themed tea.  It's something we do.

It was also our turn a few weeks ago when Portuguese food was on the menu. 

Since then, Vanessa and Charlotte treated us to the culinary treats of Italy.

And on Sunday, him and me went Stateside as we prepared a selection of dishes made famous in the land of Trump.

We started with BBQ ribs and southern fried chicken wings.

They were followed by homemade burgers and fries.

And for dessert, we baked our very own Mississippi mud pie.     

God bless the United States of America. 

Heatwave alert

If Brexit wasn't making the TV news bleak enough, this evening we will be hit with dire warnings about how the country is set to disappear under ten million billion tonnes of snow.

But I urge you to ignore them.   

There won't be any snow tomorrow, at least not in Guiseley. And there won't be snow here on Wednesday either.  Or Thursday.  Or Friday.  Or ever.

And why am I so sure?

Because I've just bought Jamie and Charlotte new sledges.  

I would've been much better spending the cash on sun loungers.  

Happy New Year

Yes, it's been an entire calendar month since I last updated this drivel, although I suspect you haven't even noticed.

Since Boxing Day, we've done a few bits and pieces including a week on the drink in Northern Ireland.  (Only Vanessa and me, to be fair.  Jamie and Charlotte are doing Dry January).

After a fun New Year's Eve, Granda and I took Jamie for his first game at the home of football.
 

The Bannsiders even managed a thumping win.

Accompanied by their Auntie Vicki, we visited the home of a famous Norn Iron resident.  First name Pat (which I didn't know).  Second name Tayto. 

And did we leave with any crisps?  Er, yes. 75 packets. courtesy of Mr Tayto himself. 

We had a trip around night time Belfast.

And some more drink was drunk before Vicki left for home.

It was then back to the North Coast where Jamie made a return trip to Coleraine Social, sorry, Football Club.  

It's been relatively quiet since then, other than a burst of shameless publicity to promote our part-sponsorship of next weekend's inaugural Aireborough RUFC Beer Festival.  (More on that anon). 

Until yesterday, that is.

We spent last night in a Premier Inn close to Manchester's Trafford Centre. 

And today, you join me at the nearby iFly indoor skydiving centre.

We all had a go in November, as I documented here.

Vanessa and I quickly made the decision to retire on a high (can you see what I did there?)

But him and her are here to have another go.

This was Jamie’s first flight just a few moments ago.

And this was Charlotte’s. 

There will be no talking to them on the way home.