By the time you read this, the Whites and several others will be in deepest Fermanagh, on the border with the Irish Republic, doing as little and drinking as much (Jamie excepted) as possible.
One of the reasons we intend to have a little tipple is because, on this day four years ago, Vanessa and I were married.
I was recently searching for an old Word file on this PC and stumbled across my wedding speech.
As bridegroom's speeches go, it is perhaps a touch on the long side. Indeed, if my memory serves me correctly, our friend Fran won the sweepstake with a guess of 28 minutes. But that included numerous gift presentations and you'll be able to read it much more quickly than that, trust me.
I have taken one or two superfluous bits out but I've also added a few little explanatory notes in brackets so you know who I'm referring to as we go along.
I hope you find it mildly amusing. And if not, at least you'll be glad you didn't have to sit through Wee John's effort as best man.
******
I’ve always said I would never begin my wedding speech with this phrase but
“On behalf of my wife and I…welcome to what is - so far at least - the best day of our lives.”
I must begin by thanking Geoff (Vanessa’s dad) for proposing his toast. As I do so many of Vanessa’s family, I regard Geoff as a mate. Not just because he has been so good to us as long as we’ve been together. He’s also a mate because we need each other. We’re both nerds.
I first met Geoff in the House of Commons and, as the Yorkshire folk here are well aware, he, like me, is a political junkie. This has meant that we have spent possibly hundreds of hours at countless dinners over the last eight years boring the arse off everyone else present – especially Hannah (Vanessa’s sister).
But it’s been a release and an education for me – and I’m very grateful for that. I would like to thank him for his kind words and I promise not to let him down.
And I give the same pledge to Judy and Mike (Vanessa’s mum and stepdad). I’ve never been one for taking drink to steady my nerves. (I took a sip of whiskey at this point – ho ho).
But I remember very well forcing Vanessa into the Fox and Hounds in Horsforth for a couple of swifties before going to meet Judy and Mike for the first time. But they couldn’t have been kinder when it came to it – and this has continued throughout.
We both appreciate everything you have done, especially today for without your help today would not have happened.
The invitations, orders of service, menu cards – all down to Mike. It is also Mike who got us access to this building (we were in a Masonic hall – I know). Thanks for everything.
And Judy, who made the favours for the ladies present here today, the bridesmaids’ dresses – and Vanessa’s dress.
I could spend half an hour saying how grateful we are Judy but I hope you already know. However, for what is worth – probably not very much given that Vanessa bought it – we have a little token to say thanks (then I gave her a pot plant – keep reading).
I should point out to the more observant guests that we know mothers are supposed to get flowers but Judy’s just about to go away on holiday – which was why we got her something different. Mind your own business.
Then there’s my own family. Thanks first for coming all this way. It takes about half an hour to fly here from Northern Ireland. We’re very grateful for you giving up so much of your time.
But seriously, I’m very proud of all of you and I hope you’re all equally proud today. Particular thanks to Jacquie for delivering the reading in true professional style. And Vanessa’s got something for you mum – and yes, they ARE flowers.
Before I move on to the bridal party, there are a few others we would like to briefly thank.
Although he’s not here, I would like to place on record our thanks to David Hall and everyone else at the Grove Methodist Church for doing such a great job today.
To Chris (Vanessa’s stepbrother) and Fran (our friend who eventually fell over and broke her camera) for agreeing to take the photos and to Colin (my friend), who didn’t agree to do the video but who went ahead with it anyway.
To Andrew and Dawn here at the Lodge (i.e. the Masonic hall). I think the only people who were more enthusiastic than us about this wedding were them. But we are very grateful – and I’m glad Andrew that I was able to keep my part of the bargain (I got him a bottle of Black Bush).
And to you, our guests. We’re grateful to each and every one of you for coming along – and especially those who bought us presents. I can’t tell you how much they mean to us – but I should have a better idea after the honeymoon once we’ve had them valued.
To those who didn’t buy us a present, you’ll find our address on your invitations. We accept bulky items and cash.
Thanks to our ushers, Jonathan (Vanessa’s brother) and Graham (my friend who has since emigrated – read on, if you’re still here).
I also remember very clearly the first time I met Jonathan, it was in a pub on Baker Street. Vanessa was a bit nervous about the whole thing as Jonathan apparently had something of a reputation for being a little “defensive” of his little sister when it came to meeting her new men.
So I thought I would show him I was different from all the rest, how kind I was, by bringing along a gift for Vanessa. Something symbolic of Northern Ireland, part of our national dress in fact. I bought Vanessa her very own black balaclava.
Looking back on it, I think the only reason Jonathan didn’t punch me was in case I pulled a gun. Anyway, I’m glad you didn’t. Thanks for that Jonathan, and thanks for doing such a great job today.
I would also like to thank Jack (nephew), our pageboy. Jack’s growing into a fine little English gentleman – at least he looks like one today.
We have something for you both.
And Graham. Hayley, Graham’s wife of a couple of months, was my best friend when I was a student in Newcastle 15 years ago. We lost touch for a while but found each other again. And I’m very thankful for that. Not just because she means a lot to me, but because it allowed me to meet Graham. Hayley was my best friend in Newcastle. They are now my joint best friends in Leeds.
I hate to be anything other than happy on a day like today, but one sad note – for Vanessa and me certainly. We’ll have to make the most of having them with us today as they’ll not be with us for much longer.
In a few months, Graham, Hayley and their little boy Cleve will be emigrating to Australia. Vanessa and I will miss you like members of our own family – which the three of you have certainly become. As for today, though, thanks Graham for your ushering and, in particular, for your singing.
The bridesmaids – how can I best describe them? Hannah – lovely but scary. Jane (Vanessa’s friend since school days) – lovely but scary. Nicole (Vanessa’s friend since university days) – lovely. Louise (since emigrated - visited us a few weeks ago) – scary. Holly (niece) – too early to tell. Quite a combination. Thanks to each of you for doing your bit today and for not spoiling our photos.
I’m sure none of you will mind me singling out Louise for a special word. For those of you who don’t know Louise – I’m only talking to the ladies here I think – Louise has travelled from Sydney, Australia to be with us here today.
Vanessa and I are genuinely privileged, honoured, all those drippy things, that you’ve come. You’ve been a good friend of mine for a long time and a great friend of Vanessa’s for much longer. We love you loads and we thank for you for coming all this way.
We have presents for each of the bridesmaids.
Rodney (my mate), our Master of Ceremonies, my Groomsman and the man with probably the biggest hair on show today. I didn’t realise, until we started planning this wedding, that you tend not to have a groomsman on this side of the water. And when I looked into it further, I discovered that there is a very good reason for this – he doesn’t actually do anything.
I was discussing this very point with my great friend Geoff Walls (met at big school) last weekend and asked him what Mark (met at primary school), his groomsman, did at Geoff and Karen’s wedding a couple of months ago. Geoff said that his only instruction to Mark was to ensure that his wine glass was full at all times. So there’s another job for you Rodney. Thanks in advance for doing that and for everything else you’ve done today. It’s very much appreciated.
And (Wee) John, my best man. John is the most unreliable person I know, well at least he was until the last few months. He has taken the whole best man thing incredibly seriously.
John organised the best stag weekend any man could have wished for a couple of weeks ago – other then my spine damage, sore arse and pink hair.
Most of all, though thanks to you John for being my best mate for what seems like an eternity. I’m not going to enter into the detail of some of the experiences we’ve had together, and I hope very much that John doesn’t either in a couple of minutes. But you know I’m grateful and I think, over the course of our two lives, we’re just about quits – although I’m certain you’re still a round down. Thanks and we’ve got a present for you and for Rodney.
And finally, the reason why I’m standing here – Vanessa.
It was Tuesday 17 June 1997, the day of the second ballot for the leadership of the Conservative Party. I’m sure you remember it well.
I arranged to meet up with someone who can only described as my mentor over the last nine years, Roy Beggs (former MP for East Antrim – wrote about him last week) – good to see you and Wilma here today – and walk across to a Virgin drinks reception in Westminster. We had a quick chat with John Major on the way and then a quick chat with Richard Branson once we got there – those were the days - before we finally reached the drinks tray.
Oh dear, they only served wine and I didn’t do wine. So I picked up an orange juice. Roy asked why I wasn’t drinking and I explained.
“Barry, son,” he said as one of surely a thousand pieces of good advice during my time in London, “you’ll never survive here unless you drink wine. It’s an acquired taste. After about 10, you’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about.” Wise words.
A couple of hours later and not quite 10 glasses of wine but closer to 10 than 6, I staggered into the House of Commons Sports & Social Club for a pint of something I was more familiar with.
The sequence of events from this point on are a little hazy and not desperately dramatic but it basically involved a Bonny Langford lookalike – who turned out to be Jane - laughing at my name badge – as it appeared on my security pass hanging round my neck. She then told a Zoe Ball lookalike – who turned out to be Vanessa – who got involved in the conversation. Then we all sat down together and talked for several hours over beer. I can barely remember a word of it other than the fact that I almost bored Vanessa to tears with tales of Northern Ireland politics. Who said romance was dead?
However when I woke up the next morning – alone, I hasten to add, on Roy’s bed sofa to be accurate – I came across a piece of paper in my wallet with Vanessa’s name and about 16 numbers scrawled on it. She was obviously playing it very cool.
I gave her a call and we arranged to meet the following week, and the following week, then we went to a concert and that was about that.
Thanks goodness.
And so marriage it now is.
I’m one of those people who likes to learn from others, people who know better than me, people with real experience of a particular situation or institution, before I go into it myself. My entry into marriage has been no different.
My favourite insight, uncovered after many weeks of research, comes from, one of my all-time heroes, one of the greatest living philosophers, a true man’s man. It comes from Homer Simpson.
When asked what marriage was like, Homer responded: “Marriage is like being married to your best friend. And he lets you play with his boobs.” I’m looking forward to many happy years.
Vanessa is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, she’s everything to me and I love her. Thank goodness, in fact, that her only flaw appears to be her taste in men but I’m delighted that I am the one to benefit.
Anyway, I thank you for your attention, I thank you all for coming and do please make a point of enjoying yourself for the rest of the day.
“On behalf of my wife and I…welcome to what is - so far at least - the best day of our lives.”
I must begin by thanking Geoff (Vanessa’s dad) for proposing his toast. As I do so many of Vanessa’s family, I regard Geoff as a mate. Not just because he has been so good to us as long as we’ve been together. He’s also a mate because we need each other. We’re both nerds.
I first met Geoff in the House of Commons and, as the Yorkshire folk here are well aware, he, like me, is a political junkie. This has meant that we have spent possibly hundreds of hours at countless dinners over the last eight years boring the arse off everyone else present – especially Hannah (Vanessa’s sister).
But it’s been a release and an education for me – and I’m very grateful for that. I would like to thank him for his kind words and I promise not to let him down.
And I give the same pledge to Judy and Mike (Vanessa’s mum and stepdad). I’ve never been one for taking drink to steady my nerves. (I took a sip of whiskey at this point – ho ho).
But I remember very well forcing Vanessa into the Fox and Hounds in Horsforth for a couple of swifties before going to meet Judy and Mike for the first time. But they couldn’t have been kinder when it came to it – and this has continued throughout.
We both appreciate everything you have done, especially today for without your help today would not have happened.
The invitations, orders of service, menu cards – all down to Mike. It is also Mike who got us access to this building (we were in a Masonic hall – I know). Thanks for everything.
And Judy, who made the favours for the ladies present here today, the bridesmaids’ dresses – and Vanessa’s dress.
I could spend half an hour saying how grateful we are Judy but I hope you already know. However, for what is worth – probably not very much given that Vanessa bought it – we have a little token to say thanks (then I gave her a pot plant – keep reading).
I should point out to the more observant guests that we know mothers are supposed to get flowers but Judy’s just about to go away on holiday – which was why we got her something different. Mind your own business.
Then there’s my own family. Thanks first for coming all this way. It takes about half an hour to fly here from Northern Ireland. We’re very grateful for you giving up so much of your time.
But seriously, I’m very proud of all of you and I hope you’re all equally proud today. Particular thanks to Jacquie for delivering the reading in true professional style. And Vanessa’s got something for you mum – and yes, they ARE flowers.
Before I move on to the bridal party, there are a few others we would like to briefly thank.
Although he’s not here, I would like to place on record our thanks to David Hall and everyone else at the Grove Methodist Church for doing such a great job today.
To Chris (Vanessa’s stepbrother) and Fran (our friend who eventually fell over and broke her camera) for agreeing to take the photos and to Colin (my friend), who didn’t agree to do the video but who went ahead with it anyway.
To Andrew and Dawn here at the Lodge (i.e. the Masonic hall). I think the only people who were more enthusiastic than us about this wedding were them. But we are very grateful – and I’m glad Andrew that I was able to keep my part of the bargain (I got him a bottle of Black Bush).
And to you, our guests. We’re grateful to each and every one of you for coming along – and especially those who bought us presents. I can’t tell you how much they mean to us – but I should have a better idea after the honeymoon once we’ve had them valued.
To those who didn’t buy us a present, you’ll find our address on your invitations. We accept bulky items and cash.
Thanks to our ushers, Jonathan (Vanessa’s brother) and Graham (my friend who has since emigrated – read on, if you’re still here).
I also remember very clearly the first time I met Jonathan, it was in a pub on Baker Street. Vanessa was a bit nervous about the whole thing as Jonathan apparently had something of a reputation for being a little “defensive” of his little sister when it came to meeting her new men.
So I thought I would show him I was different from all the rest, how kind I was, by bringing along a gift for Vanessa. Something symbolic of Northern Ireland, part of our national dress in fact. I bought Vanessa her very own black balaclava.
Looking back on it, I think the only reason Jonathan didn’t punch me was in case I pulled a gun. Anyway, I’m glad you didn’t. Thanks for that Jonathan, and thanks for doing such a great job today.
I would also like to thank Jack (nephew), our pageboy. Jack’s growing into a fine little English gentleman – at least he looks like one today.
We have something for you both.
And Graham. Hayley, Graham’s wife of a couple of months, was my best friend when I was a student in Newcastle 15 years ago. We lost touch for a while but found each other again. And I’m very thankful for that. Not just because she means a lot to me, but because it allowed me to meet Graham. Hayley was my best friend in Newcastle. They are now my joint best friends in Leeds.
I hate to be anything other than happy on a day like today, but one sad note – for Vanessa and me certainly. We’ll have to make the most of having them with us today as they’ll not be with us for much longer.
In a few months, Graham, Hayley and their little boy Cleve will be emigrating to Australia. Vanessa and I will miss you like members of our own family – which the three of you have certainly become. As for today, though, thanks Graham for your ushering and, in particular, for your singing.
The bridesmaids – how can I best describe them? Hannah – lovely but scary. Jane (Vanessa’s friend since school days) – lovely but scary. Nicole (Vanessa’s friend since university days) – lovely. Louise (since emigrated - visited us a few weeks ago) – scary. Holly (niece) – too early to tell. Quite a combination. Thanks to each of you for doing your bit today and for not spoiling our photos.
I’m sure none of you will mind me singling out Louise for a special word. For those of you who don’t know Louise – I’m only talking to the ladies here I think – Louise has travelled from Sydney, Australia to be with us here today.
Vanessa and I are genuinely privileged, honoured, all those drippy things, that you’ve come. You’ve been a good friend of mine for a long time and a great friend of Vanessa’s for much longer. We love you loads and we thank for you for coming all this way.
We have presents for each of the bridesmaids.
Rodney (my mate), our Master of Ceremonies, my Groomsman and the man with probably the biggest hair on show today. I didn’t realise, until we started planning this wedding, that you tend not to have a groomsman on this side of the water. And when I looked into it further, I discovered that there is a very good reason for this – he doesn’t actually do anything.
I was discussing this very point with my great friend Geoff Walls (met at big school) last weekend and asked him what Mark (met at primary school), his groomsman, did at Geoff and Karen’s wedding a couple of months ago. Geoff said that his only instruction to Mark was to ensure that his wine glass was full at all times. So there’s another job for you Rodney. Thanks in advance for doing that and for everything else you’ve done today. It’s very much appreciated.
And (Wee) John, my best man. John is the most unreliable person I know, well at least he was until the last few months. He has taken the whole best man thing incredibly seriously.
John organised the best stag weekend any man could have wished for a couple of weeks ago – other then my spine damage, sore arse and pink hair.
Most of all, though thanks to you John for being my best mate for what seems like an eternity. I’m not going to enter into the detail of some of the experiences we’ve had together, and I hope very much that John doesn’t either in a couple of minutes. But you know I’m grateful and I think, over the course of our two lives, we’re just about quits – although I’m certain you’re still a round down. Thanks and we’ve got a present for you and for Rodney.
And finally, the reason why I’m standing here – Vanessa.
It was Tuesday 17 June 1997, the day of the second ballot for the leadership of the Conservative Party. I’m sure you remember it well.
I arranged to meet up with someone who can only described as my mentor over the last nine years, Roy Beggs (former MP for East Antrim – wrote about him last week) – good to see you and Wilma here today – and walk across to a Virgin drinks reception in Westminster. We had a quick chat with John Major on the way and then a quick chat with Richard Branson once we got there – those were the days - before we finally reached the drinks tray.
Oh dear, they only served wine and I didn’t do wine. So I picked up an orange juice. Roy asked why I wasn’t drinking and I explained.
“Barry, son,” he said as one of surely a thousand pieces of good advice during my time in London, “you’ll never survive here unless you drink wine. It’s an acquired taste. After about 10, you’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about.” Wise words.
A couple of hours later and not quite 10 glasses of wine but closer to 10 than 6, I staggered into the House of Commons Sports & Social Club for a pint of something I was more familiar with.
The sequence of events from this point on are a little hazy and not desperately dramatic but it basically involved a Bonny Langford lookalike – who turned out to be Jane - laughing at my name badge – as it appeared on my security pass hanging round my neck. She then told a Zoe Ball lookalike – who turned out to be Vanessa – who got involved in the conversation. Then we all sat down together and talked for several hours over beer. I can barely remember a word of it other than the fact that I almost bored Vanessa to tears with tales of Northern Ireland politics. Who said romance was dead?
However when I woke up the next morning – alone, I hasten to add, on Roy’s bed sofa to be accurate – I came across a piece of paper in my wallet with Vanessa’s name and about 16 numbers scrawled on it. She was obviously playing it very cool.
I gave her a call and we arranged to meet the following week, and the following week, then we went to a concert and that was about that.
Thanks goodness.
And so marriage it now is.
I’m one of those people who likes to learn from others, people who know better than me, people with real experience of a particular situation or institution, before I go into it myself. My entry into marriage has been no different.
My favourite insight, uncovered after many weeks of research, comes from, one of my all-time heroes, one of the greatest living philosophers, a true man’s man. It comes from Homer Simpson.
When asked what marriage was like, Homer responded: “Marriage is like being married to your best friend. And he lets you play with his boobs.” I’m looking forward to many happy years.
Vanessa is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, she’s everything to me and I love her. Thank goodness, in fact, that her only flaw appears to be her taste in men but I’m delighted that I am the one to benefit.
Anyway, I thank you for your attention, I thank you all for coming and do please make a point of enjoying yourself for the rest of the day.
******
And then we all went off to dance to our Mr Bean tribute DJ.
We're back from Northern Ireland on Saturday when normal service will be resumed.
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