Losing one's crown

Yes, teeth.

As I've now mentioned more than once, I broke my left front crown more than three weeks ago after getting a bit over-excited with a piece of Dairy Milk. I finally got the permanent replacement in yesterday. But on Thursday, whilst having a McDonald's prior to the U2 concert in Sheffield, my temporary crown fell out

The timing of this little mishap could not have been worse. I was about to join 51,999 other keen souls, all dolled up and smiling like children's telly presenters. And there was me, looking not unlike my hero Shane MacGowan (before he got his own new teeth) and trying desperately not to smile (at least until it got darker).

I tried to ram the temporary crown back in at one point, but it was just too wobbly and I eventually gave up after almost swallowing it during a very poor rendition of "Thunday, Bloody Thunday" (as it sounded the way I was thinging it).

I then bought some temporary tooth thement, sorry, cement at Boots on Friday lunchtime for £7 and the fix lasted exactly seven hours (yes, that's £1 an hour) before the crown fell out once again whilst we were having tea at the caravan park.

Like the night before, I was initially very self-conscious about the huge hole in my face - until I had a proper look around. And then it dawned on me. Almost every other man in the bar/restaurant had many more teeth missing than me, as did a large number of the women. A significant proportion also had loads of bad tattoos. And a minimum of three stomachs. And boy did they like their sportswear.

Yes folks, the Whites had just booked themselves into a real-life chav theme park.

My missing tooth suddenly seemed more like a badge of honour than a cause for shame, and it felt like this for the rest of our stay. (Thankfully they didn't have a tattoo parlour on site otherwise I might've got carried away by the moment and had a spider's web etched on my face).

And you didn't have to wander too far to find some complimentary attractions.

For example, Rockin' Roy was topping the bill in nearby Bridlington.

And right next to our real-life chav theme park was what appeared to be a real-life pikey park.

Anyway, my tooth's fixed now.