I never thought it would come to this.
The coronavirus pandemic has led to historic levels of toilet roll shortage across the country. No one is quite sure why, because being forced to spend prolonged periods on the pot does not appear to be one of the symptoms of the disease. But that's what's happened, and Guiseley - where we live - is no exception.
We had a few rolls in the cupboard a couple of weeks ago when the initial panic started, but chose not to hoard because we thought the shops would have plenty available when people stopped shitting themselves (so to speak). Sadly, that has not proven to be the case and, by last Friday evening we were almost out of supplies.
But what to do?
A small number of obvious theoretical options presented themselves.
As a kid, I remember using old newspapers when hole roll stocks were absent. But like many people these days, we now get much of our news online and swiftly recycle the papers we do buy so didn't have any.
Dock leaves were a childhood favourite when out for country walks (if there were some left after being stung by nettles). But I've not spotted any dock leaf plantations near our house.
When the kids were younger, wet wipes were the order of the day. But ever since they learnt to wipe their own bottoms, we no longer have them in.
So we were stuck (albeit, not yet to our pants because we still had a few sheets left).
And then I recalled a conversation I had in the street with a friend and near neighbour about ten days ago, just before the lockdown.
He'd been having problems sourcing pipe wipe for his family and, feeling desperate, was floating the idea of following his brother in a practice I'd not previously heard of.
His brother had spent some time travelling in India and, whilst there, adopted the local lavatory etiquette.
Rather than explain it using the rather crude rest room phraseology chosen by my friend, I shall instead relay the gist of what he said via the wisdom of Wikipedia.
And I quote: "In India and the Indian subcontinent, over 95% of the population use water for cleansing the anal area after defecating. Use of toilet paper is rare in this region and is seen only in some urban settings."
Wikipedia adds: "The cleaning of hands with soap/ liquid soap after this cleansing process is very important. In places where soap is not available, soil, ash or sand is used to clean the hands."
Since returning from his Indian expedition, my friend's brother has apparently continued along this alley or, more precisely, chosen to buff up his own alley without the aid of toilet paper.
Therefore, following his example and until Morrisons gets some more toilet rolls in, that is what we Whites have had to resort to.
If only we were able to get our mitts on some hand sanitiser.
