Monday, 27 February 2017

Candle in the bin

We got a new living room mat today.

I'm not going to show you a picture of it because I fear you might not cope with that level of excitement so early in the week.

"But why did you get a new living room mat, Barry?"

Ah!  Good question.

Well, it was Vanessa's fault.  Let me explain.

Here is a picture of a candle.

And it's not just any candle.  Hell no.  It is THE candle.

Do you see the wax on the front of the glass holder thingy?  Yes?

Vanessa did that.  She picked up the candle a couple of weeks ago, held it an an angle, and the melted wax streamed on to the glass.

Here's another picture.

It shows an area of carpet, slap bang in the middle of our living room.

Do you see what looks like a slug trail on the left of the photo? You do?  Good.

Well, it's not a slug trail.  It's a hot wax trail.  It was deposited by Vanessa when she held the candle holder at an angle in the incident described above.

And now the really fun bit.

Do you see the big black "stain" on the right of the photo?  Got it?

Well, it's not a stain.  No.  It's a burn.

"And how did that happen, Barry?"        

(You really are asking all the right questions, well done).

It happened when Vanessa attempted to iron the wax off the carpet on to a piece of grease proof paper.

She'd seen this genius "fix" on Google.

And it doesn't work.

That's why we have a new living room mat.

Let's hope it doesn't get too creased.

Friday, 24 February 2017

Non-Stop Cringies

Last Friday evening I got a little bored and sent a Tweet to Tony Blackburn - who promptly read it out live on his new Radio 2 show. The kids, who were sitting around the dining table with me at the time, weren't arsed.

Maybe it's a Friday thing but I got bored again. Cue the Radio 2 mid-lifeboat.
I've just submitted my Non-Stop Oldies for consideration by Steve Wright.

And here they are:

  • Smalltown Boy - Bronski Beat
  • Clocks - Coldplay
  • Boys of Summer - Don Henley
  • Old Red Eyes is Back - Beautiful South
  • Run - Snow Patrol
  • Let Your Love Flow - The Bellamy Brothers
  • I Useta Lover Her - The Saw Doctors
  • Belfast Child - Simple Minds
  • Altogether Now - The Farm
  • Always The Sun - The Stranglers
  • Pure - The Lightning Seeds
  • Speed of Sound - Coldplay
  • Islands in the Stream - Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
  • Forever in Blue Jeans - Neil Diamond
  • Morningtown Ride - The Seekers
  • Dignity - Deacon Blue
  • Only in my Dreams - Debbie Gibson
  • Lyin' Eyes - The Eagles
  • Sally Maclennane - The Pogues
  • And A Bang on the Ear - The Waterboys
  • One - U2
  • The Sun Always Shines on TV - A-Ha
  • Duel - Propaganda
  • Two Tribes - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
  • Wichita Lineman - Glen Campbell
  • The Gambler - Kenny Rogers
  • Pictures of You - The Cure
  • Happy Talk - Captain Sensible
  • A Sky Full of Stars - Coldplay
  • My Perfect Cousin - The Undertones
No one has ever accused me of being cool. And now you know why.

Thursday, 9 February 2017

The Birthday Chronicles


Vanessa was 21 again on Tuesday and we celebrated by going out for a big family birthday tea.

Such was the quality of their parents' witty and illuminating conversation that both siblings chose to fill the gaps between courses by writing a short story each.

Charlotte called hers "The Beer Man" and this is how it went.

"Once upon a time there was a man called Ben.  He didn't want to try some beer.  

"He was old enough but then his dad forced him.  And then he tried and he loved it.

"The next day he went to a bar and he kept asking for beer." 


Meanwhile, Jamie entitled his even shorter tale "The Story of Donald Trump."   It read as follows.

"Once there was a hippo but he was born in a bad way.

"They called him Donald and he is America's president."


I've promised to post both scripts off to Quentin Tarantino first thing in the morning.