We got a new living room mat today.
I'm not going to show you a picture of it because I fear you might not cope with that level of excitement so early in the week.
"But why did you get a new living room mat, Barry?"
Ah! Good question.
Well, it was Vanessa's fault. Let me explain.
Here is a picture of a candle.
And it's not just any candle. Hell no. It is THE candle.
Do you see the wax on the front of the glass holder thingy? Yes?
Vanessa did that. She picked up the candle a couple of weeks ago, held it an an angle, and the melted wax streamed on to the glass.
Here's another picture.
It shows an area of carpet, slap bang in the middle of our living room.
Do you see what looks like a slug trail on the left of the photo? You do? Good.
Well, it's not a slug trail. It's a hot wax trail. It was deposited by Vanessa when she held the candle holder at an angle in the incident described above.
And now the really fun bit.
Do you see the big black "stain" on the right of the photo? Got it?
Well, it's not a stain. No. It's a burn.
"And how did that happen, Barry?"
(You really are asking all the right questions, well done).
It happened when Vanessa attempted to iron the wax off the carpet on to a piece of grease proof paper.
She'd seen this genius "fix" on Google.
And it doesn't work.
That's why we have a new living room mat.
Let's hope it doesn't get too creased.