To bring you up to speed at a pace marginally quicker than that of an average slug, over the past few weeks we've woken up to slug trails on our kitchen mat.
I responded in the manner any self-respecting Homer Simpson fan would do; I did nothing and hoped they'd go away. But they didn't.
Then last night, I suddenly and unexpectedly (I even surprised myself) sprang into action. That's right, I put some salt down outside our kitchen door to show them who was boss.
Unfortunately, this morning, I came downstairs to discover it wasn't me.
I've even helpfully done you a map to illustrate.
If you look closely at the right hand side of the photo, you can see the beginning of a slug trail - pointed out in green. The trail actually goes the whole way to the wall, but it's difficult to see in the picture so I've highlighted the remainder in white.
Still with me? Good, I hope you are.
It was at this point of the journey that the slug in question became a very bad slug. Because, indicated in red, you can see where he (or she?) entered our house without permission - just beyond where my fiendishly cunning salt trap ended - and left a fresh trail all over our mat. Very bad slug!
So tonight, I have a little surprise in store for him (or her - or them).
As my friend, I would respectfully ask that this stays our secret for now. And let's hope slugs don't read this blog.
EARLY MORNING UPDATE: There is no sign of any overnight invaders. I repeat, no slugs - first time in ages. But the battle goes on...