On the point of despair

I've never been a particular fan of films featuring pirates (although I do have a Captain Pugwash DVD).

However, I am aware they often feature some poor bugger being sent to his watery end via the end of a plank. Now, you might think I exaggerate (and I might think you're right) but I reckon I now understand some of the emotions the condemned man must've gone through prior to the final thrust of the sword.

Yes, you've guessed it. I'm about to start decorating the nursery.

I hate decorating. I'm not very good at it for a start; as much as I'd love to be artistic, I'm just not. I'm also not very patient - ALRIGHT?!!

Add these two facts together and you get a man, not long home after a hard day's work, who frankly isn't really up for the task before him.

Vanessa's out tonight - more than likely the last time she'll be out with her friends before baby has it's first vomit on daddy. This was therefore to be daddy-to-be's special evening.

He's got a big steak in, some beers and even some red wine in a plastic pouch. Plus, it's Big Brother Launch Night from 9pm: daddy-to-be really likes Big Brother.

However, daddy-to-be is equally aware that mummy-to-be is now on her fourth day of maternity leave and is getting a little restless at the fact that daddy-to-be hasn't yet fulfilled his heartfelt promise to ensure that baby-to-be's nursery is ready in time for its birth (not that baby-to-be has any intention of using it until it's, er, however many weeks it says in the book it has to be before it uses it).

And, of course, it's now less than three weeks until baby-to-be is due to make an appearance as a proper baby and, according to the book and everyone daddy-to-be asks, it could now arrive at any time and not be regarded as premature.

So, in order to win a few much-needed brownie points, daddy-to-be decided yesterday to surprise mummy-to-be whilst she's out tonight by making a bit of a start. This is something that daddy-to-be now deeply regrets but thinks he would feel like a really bad person if he changed his mind now. Decorating it therefore is. Unfortunately.

On the upside, yes, daddy-to-be is going to have a beer whilst he's doing it. And, yes, he is also going to finish in time for Big Brother - giving him just over two hours. But it'll be a start. So it will.

However (just to make it clear), rather like being forced down a plank on the point of a sword, daddy-to-be strongly believes that the next two hours will be a massive pain in the a***.