Two funnies

I read two one-liners in this week's papers that really made me laugh and, being the sharing kind of guy that I am, I wanted to pass them your way.

First, in Thursday's Super Soaraway Sun, was the story of Health Minister Simon Burns (the fat bloke I told you about a few weeks ago who was once rude to me in a lift) and House of Commons Speaker John Bercow.

These two have previous form in that Mr Burns was once picked up by a microphone referring to vertically challenged Mr Bercow as "a sanctimonious, stupid dwarf."      

As fate would have it, Mr Burns recently managed to reverse into Mr Bercow's limo in the Commons car park, prompting the Speaker to march up to the Health Minister's car to announce: "I'm not happy."

To which Mr Burns replied: "Well, which one are you then?" 

I loved that.

My second laugh-out-moment came when I was reading Metro, the free paper familiar to frustrated commuters up and down the country.

And a columnist's guide  - I can't remember his name - to surviving the Ashes.

For him, the key tools to help you stay awake for the all-night television coverage was strong coffee and a banana.

"The coffee to try to keep your brain alive, and a banana to poke yourself in the eye when you think you're about to drift off."

Magnificent.