Friday, 17 January 2014

The man with none of the answers

I don't do politics on here, principally because politics tends not to be very funny.  But today is an exception.

The Traditional Unionist Voice (TUV) is a relatively new (and thankfully small) political entity in Northern Ireland, built around the messianic ego of its leader Jim Allister (pictured above) and the tiny brains of his three (or is it two?) disciples.

This afternoon Jim took to Twitter to invite non-believers to ask him questions using the hash tag #AskTUV.

I was tipped off by a friend about this and logged on to have a look.  Sadly, I only have the time to include (and you will no doubt only have the patience to read) a mere handful of the hundreds of posers that came Jim's regal way.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I would imagine Jim failed to:

  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

  • If a man born blind is able to distinguish between a cube and a globe and could then see, could he tell the cube and the globe apart?

  • Is Lynx Africa really made in Africa?

  • How many fingers am I holding up? 

  • Who would win in a fight between a bear and a gorilla?

  • Which came first, the dinosaur or the egg?

  • If I put my beef casserole into the slow cooker on low at 9am, will it be cooked enough for dinner at 5pm? 

  • Why should we build castles in the sky?

  • Have you ever seen 21 mosquitoes flying in formation? If so, what was the first thought that went through your head? 

  • Have you ever sneezed so hard your big toe grew an inch? 

  • How soon after washing a kitchen floor is it safe to walk on it? 

  • How does the man who drives the snow plough get to work? 

  • If a train leaves Newry travelling at 40mph and another one leaves Antrim travelling at 60mph, why does everyone hate you so much? 

  • When you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn? 

  • Are there Klingons on the starboard bow Jim? 

  • What happens when you put bark in the microwave? 

  • How do zombies work? 

  • Downy hair is appearing on my body and my voice is going up and down. Any ideas?  

  • Jim, should I get carpet or a nice wood effect lino for my living room? Style vs practicality

  • How many ping pong balls would fit in Belfast Lough? 

  • Did you ever mistakenly put your arm through the neck part of your vest? I have. 

  • Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark? 

  • What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? 

  • Which would you rather have: a hand made of ham, or an armpit that dispenses sun cream? 

  • Have you ever eaten a chicken omelette where the chicken and the eggs were related?

  • What do people in China call their good plates? 

  • If you were travelling in a spaceship at the speed of light and you turned your lights on, would they do anything? 

  • What is a male ladybird called?

  • What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

  • If only two of each animal were allowed on the Ark, what did the carnivores eat on the trip? 

  • Are there greyhounds in Co. Louth that bark with an English accent?  

  • Jim, with the snooker being on at the minute, would you go for the tight brown or easy pink?

  • If you push your belly button, does your bum fall off? 

  • If a Siamese twin commits a murder and the other isn't involved, would you jail both or neither? 

  • What's the best way to get rid of all the slime on my bathroom tiles? I've tried everything.  

  • Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world? And if you did was she crying? 

  • Do you think it was right for Ross to cheat on Rachel even if they were on a break?

  • And finally:

  • Jim, will you ever do this again?

  • That really is the question.