Boys' time coming up

Louise has just departed Chez White, bound for Australia via Skipton, Bristol, some place in Wales with a frankly stupid name and Manchester. Surely there's a quicker route. But I think she had fun whilst here.

Yesterday, after Wee John squeaked a narrow victory over me at golf (which was a rather poor effort, given how crap I am with a golf stick), Louise, Vanessa and Jamie joined us for a posh lunch in a country pub. And, at night, I cooked (I know).

The menu of Sticky Honey Ribs Barry followed by Gaelic Steaks Barry seemed to go down well and so far everyone has lived to tell the tale. Wee John's wine purchases also went down well - and a hell of a lot went down.

Following a few days of poorliness, Jamie slept through till six o'clock this morning - only about the third time ever he's done it - so he, Uncle Wee John and I are now ready for some male bonding.

There's certainly at least two pubs in Pudsey that let kids in.

Barry'll Fix It

One of the nice the things about becoming a dad is having the chance to make a little boy's dreams come true.

My dad, for example, took me to see my first football international in Belfast. Sadly, his powers didn't extend to arranging the result and England beat Northern Ireland 1-0 with a Mark Hateley strike.

But I still clearly remember the thrill of travelling to the big city, standing in a noisy bar before the event, getting to the venue, hearing the cheer of the crowd as the players came out and enjoying the atmosphere of what was a huge sporting occasion.

Sadly, Jamie can't yet talk so it's therefore quite difficult - some might say impossible - to work out what particular dream he wants me to turn into reality. So I thought I'd practice on the other little man in my life, Uncle Wee John.

I went to the World Snooker Championships in Sheffield for the first time last year and loved every second of it. It also made Uncle Wee John very jealous which, needless to say, made the experience even more special for me.

But thanks to the kindness of my friend Dan (below left) - who I went to the rugby with last Friday - three tickets were secured for last night's semi-final between two-time World Champion John Higgins and Northern Ireland's Mark Allen who dumped out the reigning champion Ronnie O'Sullivan earlier in the tournament.

And it was terrific. Mark Allen was 13-3 down in frames before last night's session began and, with only four frames required for Higgins to win, we didn't think we'd be there for long. But thankfully the Antrim man rallied, won six out of the eight frames scheduled and gave us full value for money.

A great night out and Uncle Wee John still hasn't stopped smiling. Bless his teeny tiny cotton socks.

Hopefully today we'll give our other weekend house guest, Auntie Curly Lou, something to remember from her stay (other than Jamie's projectile vomiting).

Balls

When it comes to buying toys for Jamie, I've decided to adopt the same policy I've always used when choosing gifts for my two nephews back home - get him what I would want. A simple, selfless yet, I'm sure you'll agree, brilliant concept.

In recent months he's received an extra-large Ulster rugby shirt, a flatscreen TV and a motorbike.

OK, so I made that last bit up, but one can never predict what the future might bring.

Anyway, he's been getting a bit bored of late so I've been racking my brains trying to decide what might help. And then it came to me. Balls. Lots and lots of balls.

Every time I go to one of those Wacky Warehouse type bars where they have ball pools for the kids to jump into, I get so jealous. I mean, how could anyone get bored playing in a big pool of balls? It would keep me occupied for years.

So I went to the Early Learning Centre in Bradford on Wednesday to pick up a ballbag (you know what I mean). And I came out with three. Each containing 100 balls. This was not the plan, but they had a three for two offer on, three giggly women behind the counter and I'm a soft touch.

I've since dumped them all into his travel cot and, to be fair, he seems to be having a ball (honestly, sometimes I don't know WHERE I get them from).

I'd better go now as I have several hours work to do before the arrival of Nanny McPhee and Uncle Fester. And then it's off to The Crucible for the snooker - more on that tomorrow.

You really couldn't make it up

You may or may not have been following the ongoing row in the House of Commons over MPs' expenses. I'd respect you more if you haven't.

However, the reason our Parliamentarians are suddenly in such a rush to appear to be cleaning up their act is because, in July of this year, literally millions of receipts covering their expense claims since 2004 will be published.

Rumour has it that there will be lots of very embarrassing stuff buried in the detail, resulting in the sudden and messy end of several "promising" political careers.

But I, for one, didn't realise the situation had got quite so bad.

If you want a laugh in these desperate and dark times we're all now supposed to be living in, do yourself a favour and read the following short extract from today's Daily Mail. It's the funniest thing I've read in ages (and I assume it's not supposed to be):

Love cheat MPs on 'suicide watch' as expense claims threaten to expose affairs

"Three Labour MPs are said to be terrified that the release of their expenses claims will expose them as adulterers and financial cheats.

"Four ministers are also understood to have warned party whips they might have to resign for abusing the system, when MPs' receipts are published before the summer recess in July.

"The three unnamed backbenchers are said to have been placed on 'suicide watch' by Labour whips, who fear they might break down when the details of their excesses come out.

"Two are understood to have had extra-marital affairs with other Members of Parliament.

"Not only are they believed to have shared hotel rooms during annual conference get-togethers and party away days but also to have double-claimed for the rooms on their expenses.

"If both MPs have claimed for the bill they will be branded frauds as well as love cheats when journalists and freedom of information campaigners sift through their receipts.

"The third backbencher is said to have made 'grotesque' financial claims.

"A Commons source told the Mail: 'The whips have three Labour MPs on suicide watch. That's how serious this scandal is. The whips believe they might kill themselves.'"

OK, I'll say it in case you're too polite. GOOD!

You can't leave him hanging

Sometimes when you’re a father, you simply have to hold your hand up and concede that your 10-month-old has outsmarted you – particularly when he held his hand up first.

I’ve been teaching Jamie how to do high fives in recent days and he’s coming on well, even progressing to the stage of doing high tens in a café on Sunday afternoon.

However, four o’clock in the morning is not the optimum time to show off your new trick. Or so you might think.

Once again last night, he was up at around 2am, shouting the place down. Vanessa dealt with him and he was back down again about half an hour later.

However, as in previous nights for as long as I can now remember, he began to shout for a second time at 4am. Both Vanessa and I went in, administered teething granules, Bonjela (the baby one which hasn’t been banned) and Calpol before I gave him some water and attempted to put him back in his cot. But he wasn’t having that.

So I held him for a few more minutes hoping that he would drift back off. He began to smile manically at me. I tried to ignore him. He began to gurgle. I ignored him. He stuck his arm in the air, looking for me to lay some skin on him. Man.

I explained that I would give him one high five and no more. He smiled. I gave him a high five. He stuck his arm back in the air. I gave him two more and drew the line. I then tried to put him down. However, rather than immediately shriek and wriggle as has been the norm, he lay there motionless for a few seconds. Brilliant. For the first time in ages, I thought I was winning and sat down on the floor next to his cot ready to watch him go to sleep.

But as soon as I was comfortable, he began to move. He rolled a bit, grabbed hold of the side of the cot, pulled a bit, grunted a lot, pulled a bit more. And slowly but very determinedly, he began to rise – still in his sleeping bag. A few seconds later, he was standing.

As I wrote a couple of days ago, he has been doing this in his cot for a little while but I’d only previously seen him once he was on his feet – not actually going through the process of getting there. But here’s the thing.

Just as he reached his full height, his left arm came up, his hand opened and he smiled at me triumphantly, demanding a high five for his remarkable achievement.

A more responsible father might, at this point, have put him straight back down and told him to go to sleep. But, come on – what a trick. And what a cheeky finale. I loved it, couldn’t help but laugh and quickly surrendered – giving him a huge high five.

Two minutes later, he was out of his sleeping bag and in the spare bed with me. Five minutes after that, he was fast asleep until a little before 7am.

I might have caused even greater problems for Vanessa and myself tonight but, when all is said and done, you don’t leave your little boy hanging.

Preparing to greet Fluffy and Dwarfy

Whilst Vanessa and I continue to feel just a little bit sorry for ourselves (another noisy one again last night), there is thankfully plenty for us - and Jamie - to look forward to in the coming weeks and months.

First up is this Friday when our good friends Louise and Wee John arrive to stay for two and three nights respectively.

Louise (captured above) went to university with Vanessa in Newcastle and, a couple of years later, they shared a flat in London.

On the downside, she's Welsh, has crazy dark hair which gets everywhere and is unbelievably dippy.

But, more positively, she has a heart the size of Australia where she now lives. Coincidentally, her tummy and bum will soon be just as large as yesterday she phoned to say she is expecting her first child.

Whilst this is obviously terrific news for Louise and her partner Tim, it is an untimely development with regard to the weekend ahead as the sight of Louise falling over after three glasses of wine remains one of nature's greatest sights. Indeed, I've always been surprised Sir David Attenborough has never bothered to film it.

Purely by chance, Wee John (pictured right) who has featured on this blog several times before, is also travelling up from Wales. But fortunately he is a Coleraine man and will definitely be on the drink.

Everyone calls him "Wee" John but, in truth, he's much smaller than that. He's tiny, minuscule, barely visible and is sadly destined to just fade away as the years tick by.

They'll both be very welcome and, as I say, it should be a fun few days.

Difficult to stand

A new problem has arisen which has made it even more difficult for us to get Jamie back to sleep when he wakes in the middle of the night: he's started standing up in his cot.

And what's more, he even manages to do it when he's still in his sleeping bag.

It is cute, I'll give him that. But it's also very draining.

Previously, we at least had the option of shoving his dummy in, rolling him over and hoping he'll go straight back down.

However, now, we obviously have to lay him prone first - and you can imagine how pleased he is when this indignity is inflicted upon him.

I genuinely can't remember the last time either Vanessa or I had a proper night's sleep - never mind both of us. And it really is beginning to take its toll.

But, as experienced parents keep reminding us (and fair play to them for doing so), all "phases" eventually come to an end.

Alarmingly, the end of Jamie's current phase looks anything but nigh.

You have to laugh

I can't remember the last time I was out two nights in a row but I just have been.

Thanks to the generosity of Auntie Vicky who gave up her Saturday evening to babysit for us, Vanessa and I had the pleasure of going round the corner to have a meal with our good friends (from left to right) Layla, Gillian, Ewen and Simon.

The evening started off maturely enough. But then, somewhat inevitably, the wheels came off.

First Ewen did his "hide my ear in my ear" trick.

Then Gillian and Layla showed off their spoon balancing skills.

And then everyone just drunk too much.

But it was a terrific night and much fun was had.

Meanwhile, I have a challenge for you. Can you guess which fat bastard had two whole Weetabix for breakfast this morning?

You guessed right.

Freebie fun

Not a bad view, all things considered.

The launch of Yorkshire Man was an absolute treat. Good food, plenty of drink, excellent seats and brilliant company (from left to right - Dan, John and Paul).

Indeed, the only slight disappointment was the Leeds Rhinos themselves who were, well, hornless. They went down with little more than a whimper to Harlequins who rode out winners by 21 points to four. Very poor.

Of course, the actual game is only a minor distraction when you're in corporate hospitality - especially when neither yourself nor any of your party are huge rugby league fans.

But at least we watched the game. I remember working behind the bar at the British Grand Prix at Silverstone when I was student. The marquee we were in was on one of the fastest bends on the track and seeing Ayrton Senna, Michael Schumacher, Nigel Mansell and Damon Hill weave their way through was a real thrill.

I had arranged with some of the girls I was working with to do the early "shift" and then they would cover me so I could watch the race itself, and I loved every second. There were a number of TVs in the marquee and, when I left for the start of the race, they were - unsurprisingly - all tuned into the live coverage of the Grand Prix.

However, when I nipped back mid-race to check everything was OK, the TV nearest the bar had been switched over to EastEnders and all the girls were huddled around it. They had even pumped up the volume so as to drown out the noise of the Formula One cars passing by just a few metres away. I've always thought there was just something a little bit wrong about that - but maybe it's just a bloke thing.

Respect to Yorkshire Man

You can only imagine my surprise (and amusement) a few weeks ago when I received an e-mail from my friend Dan inviting me to attend tonight's official launch of "Yorkshire Man."

What could it be?

A Yorkshire-themed Mr Universe competition (although perhaps a little less camp than the real thing)?

Was it a doll which looked like Fred Trueman?

Maybe a cartoon character with a flat cap and a sheep under each arm?

Or was a new movement being set up to support and protect local men from that other equally scary species which roams the moors, the dales and the nightclubs in this part of the world - "Yorkshire Woman."

Sadly in many ways, I was wrong on all counts. Instead, "Yorkshire Man" is, according to the invitation, "a straightforward, straight-talking guide on men’s health, which reflects men’s views about what sort of information they want and how it should be presented." So there. And I'm sure it's a very good idea.

However, even more excitingly, tonight's launch is being held at Headingley Carnegie Stadium, drinks and a three-course meal will be provided and, following no doubt a couple of speeches, all guests will then be ushered to the posh seats to watch the Leeds Rhinos take on Harlequins in Super League XIV.

Yorkshire Man - I salute you!

St George's Day

It may come as something of a surprise to some, but the picture above was taken this morning in Bradford Centenary Square following the Council-organised St George's Day parade. And it was quite a spectacle.

As one might expect, St George himself was there accompanied by his traditional dragon prey (straddled by either the Mona Lisa or a clothed Lady Godiva, not sure which).

We had some extras from Blackadder II.

And we had many of the great and the good of Bradford district following along behind.

Sadly, Jamie wasn't able to make it along to celebrate a very important part of his heritage but I still made sure he had a flag to wave to mark the special day.

In the top right hand corner of the picture you can just about make out the card he and I clubbed together to buy for his mother. From her "two favourite Ulstermen."

Telly wars

One of the things you're repeatedly told as a new parent is not to allow your kid to watch too much TV. But equally, what many experienced parents tell new parents is, "you'll quickly get to the stage where you'll do almost anything to keep them quiet for half an hour."

I think both pieces of advice are valid.

In common with Vanessa, I certainly don't intend to allow Jamie to become a little boy who cares more about computer games and television programmes than he does about running around and being healthy. But, when he's jumping on your head at 7 o'clock in the morning and is bored of things to rattle, I don't see anything wrong with distracting him for half an hour by sticking the telly on.

And there is another element of my television strategy which I have been slowly bringing into play, namely trying to get him used to sport being on telly. Yes, I would rather he was playing it himself than watching it in an armchair. But by watching high quality sport on television, according to my thinking, surely he'll pick up some tips (ahem). And, OK, there's also the small fact that if I can get him used to it at an early stage, then maybe when he gets older he'll not insist on turning over the channel to see his own programme.

However, in recent days a major crack has appeared in my devious plan - Jamie already appears to have mastered the art of using a remote control. For example, last weekend I was watching my beloved Boston Red Sox take on the Baltimore Oriels on ESPN America. He grabbed the control. I took it off him. He cried. I gave it back. He turned the telly off. I took the remote control off him. He cried. I gave it back. He changed the channel. I took the remote control off him. He cried. I gave it back. He turned the telly off again.

It was really was bizarre and I wasn't annoyed - just impressed by the skills of my boy.

Vanessa and I have since tried to palm him off with an old stereo remote control that doesn't work but, I'm afraid, it didn't take long before he saw right through our scam and demanded the real control back.

We'll have to see what the next few days and weeks bring but, somewhat sooner than expected, the White house telly wars have begun.

Following an impossible act

Today the British and Irish Lions rugby squad to tour South Africa this summer was announced.

Coincidentally, 20 years ago this month, I was a member of the Coleraine Inst 1st XV squad on tour in Japan, the first Irish school to play rugby in that country. Our captain was Paul McBride, son of the legendary Willie John McBride (left), arguably the greatest of Lions skipper them all.

As such, it wasn't easy for Paul or "Plug" as he was universally known to his teammates. There was media interest in his progress from an early age and, whilst he did go on to follow in his father's footsteps by playing senior league rugby for Ballymena, he didn't quite reach the lofty heights scaled by his dad - which was hardly surprising.

Meanwhile, last night, whilst I was waiting for Vanessa to arrive home from her baby group drinking session, I managed a very special achievement of my own.

It's taken me 18 months but I finally did it. Yes folks, I successfully changed the fused light bulb in our fridge.

Like poor Paul McBride, Jamie White will have to go some to live up to the feats of his father too.

Welly strange

In The Loop was very good, for anyone that's interested. But it struck me that, unless you're particularly into Westminster politics and/or creative swearing at high volume, it might not be your thing. Anyway, up to you.

On other matters, Jamie and I are on our own tonight as Vanessa is in the pub drinking wine with her mother and baby group. I'm not sure this is what mother and baby groups of previous generations did but I welcome it as a concept, am rather enjoying the peace and hope it goes on for at least another hour yet.

Also, I think I've just stumbled across some Sunday afternoon entertainment for the Whites this weekend. Yorkshire are at home to Sussex in the cricket and I quite fancied going along to that. However, I didn't like the idea of spending a whole day off away from fatherly duties. But I reckon I've found the perfect compromise.

From 2pm until 3.30pm, just around the corner from Headingley at Kirkstall Abbey (thereby making it easy for me to wander down and back), there is another great and traditional Yorkshire sporting spectacle due to take place. And I kid you not. Welly Wanging.

I quote from the pre-event publicity: "As part of National Welly Week celebrating organic gardening, join us for an afternoon of welly-based fun."

Sometimes life in general - and Yorkshire in particular - never ceases to astound me.

Healy on his way to Pudsey

Another long and noisy night last night but we now think we know the reason for the recent spate of nocturnal upheavals - 'Healy' is about to make an appearance.

Named rather aptly after Northern Ireland's greatest-ever front man David Healy, the Healy I'm referring to is Jamie's new left front tooth.

I was trying to brush Chip and Dale this morning before Jamie suddenly decided to throw his head back to make my task more of a challenge (he's very thoughtful like that). I moved my eyes closer to his open mouth to get a better view of my targets and there was the tell tale little white mark in his upper gum.

If he's anything like Chip and Dale, Healy should be with us properly within the week. And I very much hope he is as I don't think either Vanessa or I can function for much longer on such limited sleep.

But at least we seem to have identified the problem and, at the end of the turmoil, Jamie will have another new friend.

I'm just about to jump in the shower now before we park Jamie at Grandma Judy and Grandad Mike's and head to the cinema to see In The Loop, the political comedy which has been getting such rave reviews in recent days. I'll give you mine tomorrow.

Tagged

Jamie had a nice surprise in this morning's post: two sets of his very own name tags.

With his arrival at nursery now only a matter of weeks away, his forward-thinking mother lovingly ordered them for him and I think he's pleased.

I remember getting my very own name tags when I was little and was most excited when my mum showed them to me.

However, the advantage I had over Jamie was that I was already able to read.

Hmmm. Maybe it's best we tell him to keep his coat on in nursery for the first couple of years, just in case he picks up someone else's by mistake. And anyway, it's always cold in Yorkshire.

No, we can't! (sleep)

There isn't much Barack Obama has done in his first 87 days as US President that I would wish to argue with. But I cannot agree with his decision to protect those CIA agents who used sleep deprivation to torture terrorist suspects when George Bush was President.

To be fair, my annoyance comes with a confession: my name is Barry White and I am sleep deprived. Yes, our wee...erm...boy was up to his old tricks again last night. And how.

My light went off at around 11.30pm as is the general norm. Jamie had been settled for almost four hours by this stage and all seemed well. But, true to form, by 1.45am he was off.

I actually felt quite bright at this point and bounded in next door to be a parenting hero - no problem to a dad of my calibre, thought I. Wrongly.

He did go back down again after about 15 minutes following some water, a bit of stroking and a couple of silly voices. But he only lasted another 15 before he was up again. I must have gone back in at least half a dozen times over the next couple of hours plus and just couldn't get him settled.

Vanessa then took on the mantle and, after a further couple of hours, she managed to get him down for a whole hour - before he wailed again.

We conceded defeat at that point - it was 6am by now - and brought him into our room for his morning milk before putting him down in our bed. (Vanessa did all the work after I decided to stage a silent protest against his antics).

But the picture above vividly illustrates why we don't like doing this. The left side of the bed as you look at it, is where you'll normally find me (if you're a burglar or perhaps are just lost). You can clearly see Jamie's head very much to the right of centre with, below the duvet, his feet parallel to the headboard. And, circled in red, is Vanessa's head - shoved so far off the bed she's almost in the spare room.

I took the photo before leaving for work - both mother and baby were asleep at this point. And I was almost out on my feet. It's been a very long day since then.

So, I must say to President Obama, your stand in favour of those nasty sleep deprivers is wrong and disappoints me greatly.

"Yes, we can!" was Barack's rallying call during his election campaign. But for Mother and Father White - thanks to their disruptive little...BOY...when it comes to sleep, for now and for the foreseeable future, it looks like it going to continue to be a case of "No, we can't!"

Still, it's Friday evening so let's not get too downhearted.

Ulster ingenuity

Some news has reached me, via a friend in the BBC, of another dramatic development in the glitzy world of Formula One. And this time there's a Northern Ireland link:

"The Ferrari Formula One team have today fired their entire pit crew.

"The announcement comes in the wake of Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from the Falls and the Shankill areas of Belfast.

"The move to hire them followed the recent broadcast of a documentary on how unemployed youths from the Falls and Shankill were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment; Ferrari's existing crew can only complete the task in eight seconds with millions of Euros' worth of high tech equipment.

"Prime Minister Gordon Brown said this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the high esteem in which the United Kingdom is now held under his leadership.

"As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari previously thought they had the advantage over every other team. However, they got more than they bargained for.

"At the first practice session, the Falls and Shankill pit crew successfully changed the car's tyres in 5.8 seconds.

"But within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for eight bottles of Carlsberg Special Brew, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower."

Getting the brush off

Jamie's bedtime routine now has an extra element: having his teeth brushed. Both of them.

Although Chip and Dale have been with us for almost three weeks, it's only in the last few days that enough of them have been on show for me to give them a good polish. And, unsurprisingly, Jamie's not entirely convinced about his additional chore.

He doesn't like the brush going in, which is clearly a bad start. But the taste of the minty toothpaste tends to perk him up. However, crucially, he then doesn't like the actual brushing bit and his mood generally deteriorates very quickly - almost as quickly as my brushing motion whilst I try to get as many strokes in before the toothbrush is spat out.

I was looking forward to Chip and Dale having a few new friends move in over the coming weeks but, unless our boy's attitude to brushing improves, I'm no longer quite so sure.

Easter Tuesday

Back where I come from, today is known as Easter Tuesday. But it wasn't until I first came to live on this side of the water as a student that I discovered "Easter Tuesday" doesn't exist here.

Like the 12th of July, I have always had trouble dealing with this fact and have resented going to work. So today, for the very first time, I have taken it off as leave. And just as well as it's turned out for last night was possibly the worst night Vanessa and I have had with Jamie since he was born.

He's got yet another cold including a particularly heavy cough which has made it hard for him to sleep. So much so that, last night, it was close on 4am before he, Vanessa and I got our heads down. It was awful.

The more he coughed, the more tired and distressed he became and on and on it went. We dug out his inhaler once again - his "love" for his inhaler mirrors mine for Gordon Brown - pumped him full of Tixilix, Calpol, Ibuprofen, milk and water, and we rocked and sung. All to little good.

He woke again about 6.30 for his bottle and then the three of us dozed on and off until after 9 before stirring. Almost predictably, Jamie now seems quite chipper but Vanessa and I are destroyed. As I say, thank goodness I'm off and here's hoping for a better night tonight.

On a happier note, yesterday we had a family trip to Kirkstall Abbey in Leeds which included a return ride on a mini-train. Jamie had a ball, as did I when I spotted the jobsworth lady conductor who insisted on waving her green flag before the driver could set off. There was only one train on the go, the line was only about 300m metres long but she had to have her moment. And why not.