Ulster ingenuity

Some news has reached me, via a friend in the BBC, of another dramatic development in the glitzy world of Formula One. And this time there's a Northern Ireland link:

"The Ferrari Formula One team have today fired their entire pit crew.

"The announcement comes in the wake of Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from the Falls and the Shankill areas of Belfast.

"The move to hire them followed the recent broadcast of a documentary on how unemployed youths from the Falls and Shankill were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment; Ferrari's existing crew can only complete the task in eight seconds with millions of Euros' worth of high tech equipment.

"Prime Minister Gordon Brown said this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the high esteem in which the United Kingdom is now held under his leadership.

"As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari previously thought they had the advantage over every other team. However, they got more than they bargained for.

"At the first practice session, the Falls and Shankill pit crew successfully changed the car's tyres in 5.8 seconds.

"But within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for eight bottles of Carlsberg Special Brew, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower."