Talking poo

I've been accused many times before of writing total s*** on this blog. And today, I'm banged to rights

Above you can see Charlotte after "enjoying" her first ever bath (that's code for "she absolutely hated it").   Sweet, isn't she?  A proper little lady in waiting, you may think.  Perhaps. 

But, like the rest of us, she's also essentially an animal with bodily functions - all of which she has exercised in quite dramatic style twice today already.

Which brings me to the core of today's update.

Because last night I went to bed with a leaflet which was given to Vanessa at the hospital.  It's entitled, "What's in a nappy?" and it does exactly what it says on the, er, front. 

Parents and non-parents alike will be aware that a baby produces all sorts of different substances out back in its first few days of life.

But I had kind of forgotten this (despite the many hours I spent slaving over Jamie's hot nappies in the days following his birth). 

However, this leaflet brought it all back.

Without getting too much into the messy detail  - and if you believe that you'll believe anything - according to this leaflet, a baby will go through four individual nappy stages during its first week.

Briefly, in days one and two, says the leaflet, you can expect "two wees" and "one or more poos" with the latter "very dark green/brown/black and sticky." Excellent.

We then move to stage two, taking in days three and four, in which "the amount of wee increases [to] three or more per day" with the poo count coming at the "two or more per day" mark.  And I know you're dying to hear more about the texture. Well, especially for all poo fans out there, "these poos are called changing stools" with the colour now distinctly "more green."  Yes, read it again - green.

We then hurry swiftly along to days five and six when - get this - "five or more wees" can be expected, together with "at least two soft, yellow poos per day."  If yellow is your colour, then this is clearly the phase for you.

Which leaves us with the fourth and final stage, from day seven onwards.  And I have to say, this is the one I am particularly looking forward to. Admittedly, we will be up to "six or more wees per day," which isn't great.

But, and I promise you this is an exact quote, Vanessa and I can expect Charlotte to lovingly make us "at least two soft, yellow poos per day, greater than the size of a £2 coin - not just skid marks.")

Whoever managed to persuade the National Childbirth Trust (who produced the leaflet) to pay them to write this stuff, well, I'd love to shake their hand. 

But only after I'd seen them wash it.