I've never at any stage in my life been regarded by anyone who knows me as "happening."
And, if something is happening, it's normally been happening for a considerable period of time before I know anything about it.
Take Chinese lanterns. When someone mentioned Chinese lanterns to me during last weekend's annual camping trip, I immediately pictured those little lights that I've seen kids in other countries carry on the end of poles during community parades.
But I was wrong.
Because Chinese lanterns (as you probably already know) are big papery devices with candles inside which, when lit, fill up with hot air and float high into the sky and often for distances of several miles whilst everybody below claps.
They've been popular in Asia (funnily enough) for many years where releasing them at ceremonies is thought to bring good luck and prosperity.
However, they're now becoming increasing common sights over here - hence them being "happening" - prompting waves of protest from grumpy farmers (have you ever met a non-grumpy farmer?)
For whilst they might look pretty, they can can cause injury or death if eaten by animals when they come back to earth.
They can also be a serious fire hazard if they land on rubbish, fields of standing crops or barns.
So, with all of this in mind, surely the obvious thing for my beloved brother-in-law Dagenham Dave to do was to buy a pack of 50 for use in our child-ridden camp site, completely surrounded by dry fields, farm animals and barns.
And, if something is happening, it's normally been happening for a considerable period of time before I know anything about it.
Take Chinese lanterns. When someone mentioned Chinese lanterns to me during last weekend's annual camping trip, I immediately pictured those little lights that I've seen kids in other countries carry on the end of poles during community parades.
But I was wrong.
Because Chinese lanterns (as you probably already know) are big papery devices with candles inside which, when lit, fill up with hot air and float high into the sky and often for distances of several miles whilst everybody below claps.
They've been popular in Asia (funnily enough) for many years where releasing them at ceremonies is thought to bring good luck and prosperity.
However, they're now becoming increasing common sights over here - hence them being "happening" - prompting waves of protest from grumpy farmers (have you ever met a non-grumpy farmer?)
For whilst they might look pretty, they can can cause injury or death if eaten by animals when they come back to earth.
They can also be a serious fire hazard if they land on rubbish, fields of standing crops or barns.
So, with all of this in mind, surely the obvious thing for my beloved brother-in-law Dagenham Dave to do was to buy a pack of 50 for use in our child-ridden camp site, completely surrounded by dry fields, farm animals and barns.
It's just as well he appeared to be in such firm control throughout.
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