Regular readers of this rubbish will be well-versed in the teeny tiny exploits of Wee John, someone we've not heard from for a while.
Well, I have some news about His Weeness, some good, some bad.
The good news is that he's not actually dead, so a good start.
More negatively, he's making his triumphant return to Guiseley this weekend.
The even worse news - nothing could possibly be worse than this - is that he's grown a classic Gerry Adams replica beard.
What inspired him to do such a thing is as yet unknown. But if he wants to look like a retro Gerry Adams, then I'll sure as hell treat him like a retro Gerry Adams.
So, for the 36 hours he's in our custody, Wee John will be subjected to regular intensive and sustained periods of questioning interspersed with random acts of ritual torture, until he explains what prompted him to go for the throwback Volunteer look. Or until he shaves it off.
Let's hope he doesn't try to blow up my garden shed before he leaves.
