You may have read in the newspapers over the last few days that footballing chav Wayne Rooney is alleged to have spat on a member of the paparazzi.
If it goes to court and Monkey Boy is found guilty, he'll be done for common assault. Let's hope so.
Whilst I would not expect the victim in the case I'm about to mention to actually press charges, it would appear he would have every right to do so - and expect to secure a conviction.
Yes, Jamie has pooed all over Grandad Geoff.
Without giving you too much unnecessary detail, our son's been a bit constipated over the last couple of days and we've been getting worried.
However, not long before I came home from work, his system suddenly decided to unclog itself. Spectacularly so.
And this, coupled with what Janet Jackson might describe as a "wardrobe malfunction," conspired to ensure that the devoted new grandfather and former Yorkshire TV Political Editor Mr Druett (who, for the record, interviewed every serving British Prime Minister from Harold Wilson right through to Tony Blair) was forced to suffer the indignity of a baby mud shower all over his jeans.
As one would expect of such a media pro, Geoff took it with his customary good humour and moved on to the next item - a chocolate biscuit, I understand.
However, it's days like today when I'm most glad I write this drivel. Because in a few years' time, I'll be able to dig this story out and ask Jamie to apologise to the great man. Marvellous.