It's been a rough 24 hours.
Shortly after writing yesterday's daily dose of trash, I began to develop very painful cramps in my stomach. I obviously hoped they would go away as quickly as they arrived. But that turned out not to be the case.
What lay ahead was an evening, a full night, a morning and an early afternoon of aching pain which all manner of drugs was unable to shift. Thankfully, the last 90 minutes or so have heralded a bit of respite, although my headache - which started around lunchtime - still refuses to go away. Fun, fun, fun.
But, as ever in life, you can find a laugh if you're determined enough to keep looking. And, this morning, I uncovered a gem.
I was lying in bed, staring at my mobile phone with one eye open and trying to find an answer to the question of how to get rid of stomach cramps (desperate times and all that).
I was led to a site called wikiHow which, appropriately enough, had a whole section entitled "Cure Stomach Cramps." Excellent.
It listed all manner of suggested solutions, but one paragraph in particular caught my eye. It read as follows:
"Allow yourself to pass gas, even if you are in polite company. It may be somewhat embarrassing, but you do not want to allow yourself to become bloated or let the cramps become more serious and painful."
The words "pass gas" were linked to another section of wisdom, which I promptly clicked onto.
And here is where it took me:
Shortly after writing yesterday's daily dose of trash, I began to develop very painful cramps in my stomach. I obviously hoped they would go away as quickly as they arrived. But that turned out not to be the case.
What lay ahead was an evening, a full night, a morning and an early afternoon of aching pain which all manner of drugs was unable to shift. Thankfully, the last 90 minutes or so have heralded a bit of respite, although my headache - which started around lunchtime - still refuses to go away. Fun, fun, fun.
But, as ever in life, you can find a laugh if you're determined enough to keep looking. And, this morning, I uncovered a gem.
I was lying in bed, staring at my mobile phone with one eye open and trying to find an answer to the question of how to get rid of stomach cramps (desperate times and all that).
I was led to a site called wikiHow which, appropriately enough, had a whole section entitled "Cure Stomach Cramps." Excellent.
It listed all manner of suggested solutions, but one paragraph in particular caught my eye. It read as follows:
"Allow yourself to pass gas, even if you are in polite company. It may be somewhat embarrassing, but you do not want to allow yourself to become bloated or let the cramps become more serious and painful."
The words "pass gas" were linked to another section of wisdom, which I promptly clicked onto.
And here is where it took me:
"How to Pass Gas Unnoticed in the Office
This article is a brief guide for those who struggle to get relief from pent up gas without anyone noticing. Typical office cubicle layouts usually consist of four or more cubicles per cluster. You won't be able to perform this completely unnoticed, but hopefully in such a way that the finger won't point to you in person.
Steps
1 Move your chair forward as far as possible, until your stomach touches the desk.
2 Now slide down, keeping your legs straight until you're sitting right on the edge of your chair.
3 Grab the sides of your chair, and pull yourself down as hard as possible. This will eliminate the possibility of a noise, seeing as the soft seat will muffle the sound.
4 While maintaining downward pressure, relax your stomach muscles just enough to let go at an even, medium flow.
5 Bounce up and down a few times just to empty the smell which may still be caught in the seat, then return to upright position and continue your work.
6 If done correctly, the smell should rise in the middle of the cubicle cluster, making it impossible to determine who it was.
Tips
Prying your cheeks apart is also a very effective manner of avoiding the noise associated with passing gas.
Try getting out of your seat to walk to the other side of the room. If it smells and others are in the room, look around in slight disgust to pretend it wasn't you."
Well, at least it cheered me up.
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