I don't know if you watched The X Factor last night (please say no) but this year's series is beginning to send me into a spiral of deep self-loathing and wild irritation - because I can't stop myself from watching it.
I don't know who Cheryl Cole thinks she is these days, Simon Cowell has become one of those dolls on which you pull the string and it comes out with one of four or five stock phrases, and almost every guest act is either a former contestant, contracted to Cowell's record label or a past or present judge on the show itself. It's like incest with glitter. (That's glitter - not Glitter).
And then last night, the 14 remaining contestants on the supposed "live"singing contest mimed their way through the opening group number, closely followed by ex-contestant Diana Vickers who mimed her way through her instantly forgettable new single - prompting Simon and co to bounce up to lead an ecstatic standing ovation.
ARRRGGGHHHH - I HATE IT!!!!! ARRRGGGHHHH!!!
Yet I can guarantee I'll be watching again come the weekend. And the weekend after. And every weekend between now and Christmas.
I'm a disgrace.
Please don't approach me if you see me in the street.
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